


Holding On and Letting Go

by harrysbraid



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School AU, M/M, i honestly think this is one of the best ive written, larry stylinson oneshot, you guys have to read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-17 21:38:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1403326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrysbraid/pseuds/harrysbraid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Harry has never talked to the boy. He doesn’t even get the chance to hear his voice. He hasn’t seen his face or seen him look up. Harry doesn’t even know the boy’s name. All Harry does know is that the boy is pretty hard to forget. And very distracting. </em>
</p><p>Or the au where Harry tries to gather all the courage he has to talk to his crush and Louis starts to warm up to Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding On and Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out waaaaaaaaaay longer then intended. Just hope you guys loved reading it cause i loved writing it <33

Harry always prefer to sit in the back. It’s not for reasons you might think, like shyness or he doesn’t like it when the attention is aimed at him. It’s not for those reasons. 

 

 

 

 

Harry always sits in the back because that’s when he gets to see him. _Him_ as in the prettiest-boy-Harry-has-ever-seen-in-all-his-seventeen-years-of-life. 

Although Harry has never talked to the boy. He doesn’t even get the chance to hear his voice. He hasn’t seen his face or seen him look up. Harry doesn’t even know the boy’s name. All Harry does know is that the boy is pretty hard to forget. And very distracting. 

“Harry!” Ms.Whitmore calls. “Do you know the answer to the problem?”

Snapping out of his daily daydream, Harry says,”Ummmmm X is pie over 3?”

A few students starts to chuckle. Others roll their eyes. One student mumbles under her breath,”This is history, not pre-calculus, idiot.” 

“No.” Ms.Whitmore walks to the front of the classroom and leans towards the boy. “Do you know the answer?”

The boy nods. Harry can’t help but admire the way his hair flops in an adorable way. God, he has the cutest head. 

“What is it?” Ms.Whitmore presses.

Harry sits up straight and strains his ears, trying not to make it obvious. 

“Correct!” Ms.Whitmore says abruptly, forcing the class to be alert. 

Harry frowns at the back of the boys head. Throughout the day, Harry wonders why the boy won't turn around. Why won't he ever turn around?

 

***

 

"Just talk to him already." Zayn says, aggravated.

“Yeah, I mean, talking isn’t that hard. You do it all the time.” Niall says, laughing at his own joke. Nobody else joins in. Niall pats Liam’s back. “Don’t worry, mate. I’ll laugh for you.” 

Liam shrugs off Niall’s hand. “You’ve been staring at him with googly eyes throughout lunch, in class, and even across the hall. I think it’s about time to do so.” 

“I _do not_ stare at him with googly eyes.” Harry says stubbornly. He crosses his arms.

“Please.” Zayn rolls his chocolate brown eyes, crossing his arms as well. “Do you need me to get you a rope? I think you’re stuck in the pit of denial and you might need some help getting out.” 

“Well, maybe if you guys weren’t so pushy, I would go talk to him.” Harry turns his head to see the boy reading a hardcover. Harry feels his heart melting at the way the boy's fingers slide from the middle page to the top corner of the book. Even as he turns the page, it’s like he’s speaking a form of poetry only Harry can hear. Harry notices something reflecting off of his eyes. He must be wearing glasses.

“Fine. We won’t be pushy about it.” Niall quickly says, stuffing his face with his turkey club sandwiches. 

Liam and Zayn nods in silent agreement. They continue picking at their lunch. 

Harry raises his eyebrows. “That’s it?” 

“Yeah. You said so yourself: You’d go talk to him if we stopped being pushy, and now we have.” Liam says. 

Harry pouts. He sits in silence for a second before saying,”You guys are going to make me do it whether or not you guys are quiet, huh?” 

The three boys nod, three pairs of eyes saying,”Well, duh.” (Although Zayn’s is a much more annoyed version than the others.)

Harry gets up from his seat and grabs his untouched lunch. “I’m going to talk to him,now.” 

“Finally!” Cries Zayn, looking up at the ceiling.(Probably giving a silent thanks to God or Jesus or the All Mighty or who-knows-what-else) 

“Good luck, mate! Remember to breathe.” Liam says, giving Harry thumbs up.

“Don’t throw up or anything.” Niall gives Harry a smug look and Harry smirks. 

“I won’t do such a thing.” Harry says as he walks to the trash can. Harry throws his lunch in the smelly hole and he gets hit with anxiety and a bunch of ‘what ifs’. What if the boy finds Harry annoying? What if the boy isn’t what Harry expected? What if the boy is much better than what he expected? What will he do than? What if the boy hates Harry’s guts? What if? 

Harry places both hands on the top of the trash can. Oh, God. He really _is_ going to barf. Harry swallows whatever is left of his saliva and it scrapes down his throat, all slimy and sluggish. He starts to feel feverish and dizzy. This can’t get any worse. 

“Hey, bro. It’s ok.” Niall's voice says, his hand on Harry’s shoulder. “Look.” 

Harry turns to see where Niall is pointing at. And that’s when Harry thinks that it _can_ get worse. The beautiful boy is gone.

 

***

 

"What’s so bad about that?" Gemma asks after Harry finished telling his story, pacing his room like a maniac.

“It’s just-I don’t know. I guess I would rather have the chance to try than to not have a chance at all.” Harry says, ruffling his wild curls. 

“There’s always tomorrow.”

“Yes, and the tomorrow after that and the tomorrow after that. I just don’t think I can do this, Gemma. As long as there are other tomorrows, I will probably procrastinate on this much longer or worse, pull another stunt like today.” Harry snaps. Immediately, he feels bad and tired. He sits next to Gemma. He places his head on Gemma’s shoulder. For some reason, he feels as if his head doesn’t fit. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just so stressed.” Harry mumbles. 

Gemma pats his head. “I understand how stressful walking up to your crush and starting a conversation can be.” 

“I didn’t even walk up to him.”

“I’m trying to make you feel better, Harry.” 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s ok.” Gemma sighs. “Promise me you’ll do it tomorrow. I’m proud of what you did today. What you did today was progress, and I think that’s the most important part of it. You made progress through your anxiety and butterflies. So keep making tiny progress everyday until one day, all of it would come back to congratulate you.” 

Harry hugs Gemma and sloppily kisses her in the cheek. Gemma yells,”Ew! You kiss all slobbery!” And wipes off his kiss, but Harry can tell she loves it. 

“Thanks. For what you said.” He mumbles into her hair.

“It’s no problem. You’re my brother, and I’m supposed to help you with these these things.” Gemma mumbles back. Gemma pulls back and says,”And this guy will be your future boyfriend. I guarantee it.”

“How can you be so certain?” Harry asks, smiling.

“You make things happen. That’s one of your special powers.” Gemma says. She stands up, gives Harry a quick kiss on the forehead, and walks out the door.

“One more thing.” Gemma says, making a reappearance at the door. “This future boyfriend of yours better be pretty.” 

Harry laughs. “Trust me. He is.” Harry says as he imagines the boy’s curled spine, his delicate fingers, his tan skin, and his brown hair.

 

***

 

"You guys will be working in partners. This project is a combination of the last four chapters we’ve learned so far. The instructions are on the packet I will hand out to you." Ms.Whitmore says. 

Harry sighs sadly. Even though the project sucks, it comes on number 2 for the List Of Things That Sucks On A Friday. The delicate boy isn’t here today, and that’s on the number 1 spot. 

“Nick, you work with Stan. Aiden, you work with Greg.” And on and on and on she goes. 28 names later, Ms.Whitmore says,”And Harry, you work with Louis.” 

_Who the hell is Louis?_  

“But he’s not here today so I guess you can Facebook him or sext him or whatever you kids use to communicate these days.” Ms.Whitmore walks to her desk to fetch the packets as the students snicker at the word,”sext” leaving a teacher mouth so casually. 

Harry doesn’t even have the power to roll his eyes at the immaturity because all he can think of is his name. His name is Louis. Even his name is beautiful. Harry just can’t believe that he's working on a crappy project with a non-crappy boy.

_Louis_ , Harry mouths. He starts to feel the corners of his mouth turn up. He loves knowing the name of the precious boy. He loves the taste even more.

He didn’t notice the packet was on his desk until the bell rings. He really needs to keep himself in check with reality. He hurriedly stuffs his things in his backpack and walks to Ms.Whitmore.

“May I help you, Mr.Styles?” She asks.

_Yes, thank you for making the most handsome and wonderful person to ever walk on the planet as my partner._

“I was just wondering if I can get Louis’ address. So I can tell him about the project.” Harry says.

“You guys don’t Facebook each other?” She asks, surprised. 

“Ummmmm, no ma’am.” Harry says. He doesn’t even have a Facebook account.

Ms.Whitmore nods. She types something on her laptop and says,"This is his address. Don’t make me regret it to you.” 

Harry nods. It’s not like he would stalk Louis. 

“You already do stalk him. You stalk him with your eyes throughout the school day.” Harry hears Niall say in his head, and imaginatively sees Zayn and Liam nodding. 

Harry writes down the address on the palm of his hand. “Thanks, Ms.Whitnore. Have a good afternoon.”

“Harold.” Ms.Whitmore says.

“Yes, Miss?” 

“Just remember to not write on your skin any longer. You don’t want skin cancer.” 

“Ummmmm thanks for the warning.” Harry slowly says. “Well, goodbye now.” 

“Goodbye, Harry.” Ms.Whitmore says. 

Harry walks out the stifling hot room.

 

***

 

Harry walks on the steps and stops at the door. He looks at the number on the door and the number on his palm: both 17. Harry hopes he got the right address, even though he checked the street sign, Google Maps, and his palm more than three times. He wipes his palms on his pant leg. He doesn’t bother to check whether the writing on his palm is readable. The ink is already smudging due to how sweaty his palms are. Harry bites his lip. He looks down at his shaking hands. Do you know how to knock, he asks it. His hands doesn’t bother to answer. 

Harry barely lifts a finger when the door opens.

“Who are you?” Asks a girl with brown hair. Lighter than Louis’. She looks about 14.

“Hi. I came to see your brother, Louis. Is he home by any chance?” Harry asks.

“No, he isn’t home. But you can come inside if you want.” The girl opens the door wider. 

Harry steps inside. “Thank you.” 

“Do you want anything to drink or eat?” The girl asks, going straight to the fridge. 

“Water would be nice.” Harry sits down on the black, sleek couch. He sits on his hands to keep it from shaking. “What’s your name by the way?”

“Lottie. Lottie Tomlinson. And you are?” Lottie hands Harry the water bottle and Harry thanks her. 

“I’m Harry. Harry Styles.” 

She nods in satisfaction. “Nice name. My brother will be gone for quite a while.” She takes a seat next to Harry. “So I guess I’ll be keeping you company.” 

“Lottie, do you have any other siblings?” Harry asks. 

“Why, yes I do.” Lottie answers. 

“Lottie! Can you help me with this?” A female voice says.

“Yeah! Ummmm we've made quite a mess…..” Calls out another one, a younger and squeakier voice calls right after. 

Lottie rolls her eyes. “Speak of the devils.” She stands up. “I hope you don’t mind but I have to help my sisters. Go and make yourself at home, Harry.” 

After Lottie leaves, Harry notices how stiff and tense he is. He stretches, trying to make it seem like he’s not freaking out. 

“You guys made such a mess.” Harry hears Lottie grumble. 

“It wasn’t my fault! It was Daisy’s fault!”

“Well I didn’t have the idea of eating on the bed,did I?” 

“ _Jesus,_ I didn’t ask who made the mess. I’ll be right back.” Lottie says. Harry hears a pair of feet slapping against the tile floor. “Harry, I’m so sorry, but the mess my sisters have made is quite chaotic and it might take a while to clean it all up. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t. Do you want me to help?” Harry asks, already getting up.

“No,it’s ok. You don’t have to.” Lottie says, but Harry can see in her eyes that she wants him to help.

“I insist.” Harry places a hand on his chest. “Lead the way, please.”

Lottie nods. Harry walks down a plain hallway. Lottie takes a sharp left and Harry enters. He stops, jaw touching the floor.   
The first thing he notices is the pink. So much pink. Pink walls, pink posters, pink stuffed animals, you name it. The second thing he notices are three other girls, younger than Lottie. A blonde girl sits on a rolling chair, about 12 to 13 years old, playing on her phone. On the floor sit a pair of twins, looking furious with one another, about the age of 8. The third thing he notices is the mess on the bed. Was that oatmeal that was spilled? 

“Hey, how about you kids stop being angry for 5 seconds and help out.” Lottie bosses the twins in an angry voice.

“Fine.” They grumble.

“Oh, and Harry.” Lottie says, now sugary sweet. She points to the twins.”These two are Daisy and Phoebe.” She points to the two girls on the phone. “And she's Fizz.” 

“Hello. Nice to meet you.” Harry says, smiling and waving. 

Fizz nods in greeting while the twins gives him more acknowledgment. 

“Hi, Harry.” Daisy staring at Harry’s head.

“Is your hair really that curly?” Phoebe asks.

Harry laughs and opens his mouth to respond when Lottie cuts in. “That’s rude! You can’t just ask someone if their hair is naturally curly!”

Harry chuckles. “Lottie, it’s fine. And yes,my hair is really this curly.”

“Can we touch it?” The twins ask. 

Harry looks over at Lottie and sees her fuming with rage. “How about we clean up the bed first and than you can touch my hair?” 

The twins quickly goes inside the bathroom and gets out the towels and clean he food off the bed. Lottie sighs tiredly and gives Harry a smile. _Thank you,_ her smile says. 

Harry smiles back. 

 

***

 

Thirty minutes later, Harry has all the girls’ attention. He’s even got Fizz to get off their phones and focus on the world outside. He has the girls painting his nails and putting bows in his curly hair. 

“Your hair is so bouncy!” Daisy once said. 

“Your hair is like a cloud!” Phoebe adds.

“A bouncy cloud!” The twins say together. 

And all throughout, Harry laughs and laughs and laughs. The girls laugh with him,but not as much as Harry. He hears the front door open.

“Lottie! Daisy! Phoebe! Fizz! We’re here!” A female voice calls out. 

“Mommy!” The girls scramble to their feet and runs to the door, but Lottie stands and holds out her hand to Harry.

“C’mon. Meet my mum.”

Harry hopes she doesn’t mind his clammy palm. He isn’t nervous about meeting Louis’ mum. He’s just nervous about meeting Louis. Well, _officially_ meeting him. 

Harry enters the living room, where the hallway ends and he sees the girls around Louis’ mum like she’s a goddess. She _is_ sort of a goddess though. She has this radiant light that shines warmly and kindly. She seems to make the whole house brighter. 

But than Harry scans the room, not sure what he’s looking for until his eyes land on something. Not _something_ he’s looking for, but _someone._  

Harry feels as if the life in him has been sucked away and is now a shell. Harry couldn’t ever imagine what Louis’ face would look like. For some reason, Harry feels shocked. He is so used to see the faceless boy as faceless. 

_Oh my God,_ Harry thinks. He’s more beautiful upfront. He has a nose and cheekbones and ears and pink lips and thick glasses and blue-gray eyes. Harry can feel his eyes widen and his jaw drop. Louis turns to see Harry, gaping for less than a second before looking down on his toes. 

“Who is this?” Louis’ mum asks, finally noticing that Harry is in the room. She eyes the bows in his hair.

Tearing his eyes away from Louis, Harry says,”I’m Harry. I’m in Louis’ history class. Ms.Whitmore, our history teacher, assigned us as partners and since Louis wasn’t here today, I thought I can tell him about it before he gets to school." Harry glances at Louis to see is he'd react. Louis doesn't. Harry turns back to Louis' mum. "Oh and the bows? Well, your daughters were having fun playing with my hair.” 

“Well, that’s very nice of you, Harry. And I’m glad you kept my daughters company. I hope they weren’t too much trouble.” Louis’ mum says. 

“Not at all. They even gave me some fashion tips.” Harry says, and Louis’ mum chuckles. 

“I’m glad you guys had fun. We’ll leave you and Louis alone now, ok?” Harry nods, even though he wanted to scream,’No! Not ok! Not ok! . His heart rate rises at the thought of being alone with Louis. 

“Oh and call me Johannah.”

“Nice to meet you, Johannah.” Harry says.

“Same goes for you, Harry.” As she leaves with the kids, he can hear Lottie saying,”Isn’t he attractive, mummy?” And Johannah saying,”Yes, he’s handsome, darling. He's pretty handsome for someone his age.”

Harry starts to smile, completely flattered, but drops it when he looks at Louis. Louis seems to be uncomfortable. And in his own house!

“Ummmmm so the assignment…..” Harry starts to say. “I’ll give you the packet. It’s pretty self-explanatory.” 

Wow. His first words to Louis and it’s about schoolwork. He feels the awkwardness spread throughout the house. Harry walks to his backpack that he left on the couch. He opens his binder and hands Louis the packet. 

Louis takes it. “Thanks.” He mumbles. 

Harry awkwardly stands by the couch, not knowing what to do. He puts his hands in his pockets,hoping it’ll make him look a little casual and not at all frazzled. Louis still stands with his head facing the floor. 

“I’m going to go now.” Harry quickly says, taking the strap of his backpack in his hand.

_No! What are you doing?_ A part of him asks. _This is your chance to actually talk to him._

_Just leave. You’re embarrassing yourself._ Says the more sane one. 

Harry decides to listen to the more sane one but Louis takes a step forward.

“Wait.” Louis says before Harry can take a step towards the door. “Just……” Harry turns around and sees Louis ruffling his hair. Louis can’t get any cuter than that. “Stay for a bit. Please.” 

Louis blushes, embarrassed, and Harry feels his heart melting. 

“Yeah, of course.” Harry says, slowly walking back to put his backpack on the couch. 

“Let’s go to my room.” Louis mumbles. He leaves without bothering to check if Harry will follow. But of course Harry would follow Louis. He would follow him anywhere.  
They walk down an unfamiliar hallway. Louis walks in front of a closed door and opens it. Harry steps in, suddenly afraid of what he’ll see. But he didn’t need to fret.   
All Louis’ room contains are normal boy things. Clothes, shoes, paper, and even a soccer ball. They all have a place on the floor and nearby desk.

“Sorry about the mess.” Louis says, still avoiding eye contact. “I’m not particularly the cleanest person.” 

“‘Not particularly the cleanest person’ you say?” Harry asks, looking at Louis’ football posters. 

“Oh, God, no. I didn’t mean that. I am clean. Honest. I bathe. What I meant is my room. My room isn’t the cleanest place.” Louis says in a rush, voice muffled, his hands covering his face. 

Harry didn’t know where the surge of courage came from. It came like an impulse. No. It came more like second nature, like Harry was supposed to walk over to Louis and take his hands away from his face.

Harry has his long fingers wrapped around both of Louis’ wrist and Harry gently pries them off of his face. 

Smiling, Harry says,”I was just kidding. I knew what you meant.” 

Harry can feel Louis’ hands shake a bit as he chuckles, face turning a bit pink. Harry can feel the sweat breaking out on his forehead and his armpits and his heart rate rising by the second. Harry awkwardly let’s go. 

They stay like that for a while, sweaty, red-faced, and a bit breathless. Louis keeps his head down and says,”My sisters seem to really like you.” 

Harry smiles. “Well, I really like your sisters.” 

Harry can see the corner of Louis’ lip turn up. Harry feels his breath hitch. 

Louis doesn’t bother responding. He just sits on the edge of his bed and scans the words written on the packet. 

“So……why weren’t you at school today?” Harry asks.

“Doctor’s appointment.” Louis says quickly. 

“Did anything happen? Cause you don’t look sick at all to me.” 

Harry can tell that was the wrong thing to say. Louis’ back stiffens. Everything seems to be frozen. 

“I think you should go now.” Louis says, opening the door. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Harry starts. 

“It’s ok. I’m just tired. We’ll just work on the project tomorrow, ok?” 

Harry nods and leaves the room without another word.

 

***

 

The next day, Louis wasn’t at school again. Harry thought it was because of the stupid question he decided to ask the other night. Harry doesn’t bother telling his mates, because the look on his face is enough story to be told. 

Harry walks up to the Tomlinson steps and knocks on the door. Standing on the other side of the door was none other than the beautiful, Louis. 

“Hi.” Harry says, adjusting his backpack strap on his shoulder.

“Hi.” Louis responds. He drops his gaze. “Come on in.” 

They work on the project, holed up in Louis’ room. 

“How come we can’t see Harry?” Whines Louis’ sisters the first 30 seconds Harry came in.

“Because we’re working. You guys can put bows in his hair when we’re done.” Louis says, already closing the door. Harry waves to the kids before the door fully closed.

They worked for about 3 hours, and yet, Harry can’t seem to get enough of Louis’ voice, so tender and soft and light. Harry can’t seem to get enough of the way Louis’ hair always falls over his left eye. Harry can’t seem to get enough of the way Louis flips his hair out of the way with a quick whip of the head. Harry can’t seem to get enough of the way the light coming off of the lamp next to them complements Louis’ skin tone. Harry can’t seem to get enough of Louis, period.

Louis continues talking gibberish about the project, not at all, not once, did he look over and made eye contact with Harry. All Harry could do was nod to the music of Louis’ voice. 

“Louis?” Harry interrupts. 

“Hmmm?” Louis hums. 

“Do you have trouble making eye contact with people?” Harry asks.

“What?” Louis asks back in disbelief. “You do ask some shit questions, you know that?” Louis gives Harry a quick glare before mumbling,”Sorry.” 

Harry smiles. “It’s ok.” 

Louis frowns. “Why are you smiling?” 

Harry shrugs. “I guess I just like seeing your different faces.”

“‘Different faces’? Now you’re talking in metaphors? Jesus Christ…..” Louis shakes his head.

“I mean like. Like. Like it’s nice to see your other personalities that you seem to hide.” Harry says. 

Louis stares at his hands. 

“Sorry. Too metaphorical for you?” Harry genuinely asks. 

“I’m sick.” Louis says. 

“What?”

“I’ll tell you the rest tomorrow.” Louis turns off his laptop and stands up. “C’mon. I think it’s about time you played with my sisters.” 

Harry stands up, frowning with confusion. Why is he suddenly so squirmy? It’s like Louis wants to get Harry out of his room as fast as possible.

“Ummmmm right. I…..uh……guess I’ll see you tomorrow than.” Harry says uncertainly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Right. See you tomorrow, Harold.” 

Louis closes the door before Harry can respond. Harry smiles sheepishly, putting his forehead on the door. The door is cold. 

“He called me ‘Harold’.” Harry mumbles lamely. 

“Harry? What are you doing? Do you want to play with my dollies?” Phoebe asks. 

“Yes, I would love to play with your dollies.” 

“Do you think you can wear the orange and red bows today?” Phoebe asks, walking to her room.

“Of course! I’m open to any color!” Harry cries out enthusiastically. 

And not once, not even when Harry made the excuses of ‘feeling parched and needing water’ or ‘having to take a wee’, the door to Louis’ room never opened.

 

***

 

"For God’s sake, Harry, what is it?" Niall asks at lunch the next day. 

“What?” Harry whines. “I didn’t do anything.” 

“No. You _didn’t_ do anything.” Liam says sternly, giving Harry his famous I’m-very-concerned face, with his eyes squinted and nose flared out. 

“The real question is what you _did_ do. Spill it.” Zayn says, leaning forward on the lunch table. 

“Careful, Malik. You don’t want to stain your polyester with the Sloppy Joe.” Harry says, squirming his way out of the conversation. 

“Harry. It’s ok. Whatever it is, you don’t have to be ashamed. We won’t judge you.” Liam says, his voice softer.

“We would judge you, but that comes after you cry on our shoulders.” Niall says smugly. 

“I am not going to cry, thank you very much Captain Horan.” Harry rolls his eyes.

“Is it because he hasn’t been here for the past few days?” Zayn asks.

“And by ‘he’ you mean Louis. His name Louis.” Harry says.

“Louis, eh? Nice name. A little on the sexy side.” Niall says. Harry stares daggers at Niall. Niall raises his palms up. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to steal your man.” He quickly adds. 

Harry raises his eyebrows.”Thank you. And to answer your question Zayn, no it isn’t because he wasn’t here for the past few days. You see, I haven’t told you guys this…..” 

“Oohhh spill it girl.” Liam says.

“Ok so I have been assigned this history project in Ms.Whitmore’s class and we had to work with a partner. And my partner is Louis.” 

Liam ,Niall, and Zayn erupts with questions and comments. Harry raises his hand to silence them.

“I’m not quite finished.” He continues. “And I’ve been going over to his house to work on it.” 

Niall’s eyes twinkle in a way that Harry knows a full round of teasing and taunting is coming up. “Don’t even go there, Niall. Anyways, I’ve been going over to his house and we worked on the project. It was fine.” Harry stops there.

“That’s it? I expected a bit more shebang.” Liam says, obviously disappointed. 

“That’s all that happened? You guys just worked on the project?” Zayn asks.

“Yeah, I mean, are you sure you guys didn’t rip each others clothes off?” Niall winks, causing Harry to slightly blush. Niall notices and chuckles.

“Seriously, you have been having a crush on this guy for months and all you guys did was work on the lame history project?” Zayn presses, ignoring the snorts coming from Niall. 

“Well, I _did_ ask him some questions but I think all I did was turn him off.” Harry mumbles. “And that’s another reason why I think he would never like me. He probably thinks I’m nosy and a major turnoff.” 

“Awwwww c’mon Harry. I’m pretty sure he’ll fall for your looks and charms like every other person that you’ve met. You just have to give him time.” Liam encourages. 

“Right. Time…..” Harry nods off.

 

***

 

That evening, Harry has dinner over at the Tomlinson’s. Johannah asked questions like,”What class do you and Louis have together,” “How’s the project going,” and “Do you mind having the kids put bows in your hair?” And all throughout, Harry couldn’t stop smiling and laughing at Johannah’s questions or comments or the funny faces the kids make to each other. Although, his smile dims whenever Louis doesn’t join in the conversation. 

After eating dinner and complimenting on “the wildly yummy and delicious” lasagna, Louis and Harry end up holed in Louis’ room for the third evening in a row. 

Harry claps his hands.”Ok so I think we should start-“

“Are you always like that?” Louis cuts in.

“Excuse me?” Harry asks. 

“Like…..you’re just so charming and nice. Does it come naturally or something?” Louis asks, frowning. Harry wants to rub his thumb across Louis’ eyebrows and unwind them from its crease. 

“I guess I’m born with it.” Harry ends up saying. 

Louis nods. This time, he claps. “Back to the project right?” 

Harry eyes Louis suspiciously. “Right.” Harry continues on talking but he doesn’t hear what he’s saying. All he can think about is how weird and tense Louis seems to be acting every time Harry's around. Harry can’t help but notice whenever he catches Louis looking at him and turns to look back, Louis drops his gaze. 

“I’m sorry.” Louis interrupts. 

“What? You have nothing to be sorry for. I should be the one that’s sorry.” 

“Wait, what?” Louis ends up laughing. Harry laughs too, but not because he finds this funny. Louis’ laugh is the kind that will bring anyone to join with him. Harry laughs because Louis’ laugh is soothing and like music. His laugh is also beautiful. Just like every other part of him. 

“ _You_ should be sorry? For what?” Louis ends up laughing again. Once he’s calmed down, Harry talks.

“I just think I’m a big problem for you. You’re always so tense and weird whenever in around and you seem to be uncomfortable in your own house whenever I come through the door and I ask too many questions and-” Harry rambles on but stops when he hears Louis laughing again. Harry loves the crinkles showing up on the corners of Louis’ eyes. 

Louis takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes. “Man I haven’t laughed like that for ages. Shit, Harry, you really are amazing, you know that?” 

Harry’s heart does all sorts of crazy jumps and leaps. His stomach explodes with butterflies. “I guess so.” 

“You don’t have to worry. Ok, yeah, you do ask quite a bit, but it’s fine. I’m fine.” Louis smiles, mouth closed.

“Wait, why are you sorry?”

Louis stares at his lap. “For not being able to look you in the eye. For being a closed up clam. For everything.” 

“It’s ok. I know people have trust issues. And I know people get anxiety just by making eye contact. You don’t have to apologize for those things.” Harry takes Louis' hand, surprised by how small it is. He’s even more surprised by how it seems to fit perfectly in his.

Surprisingly, Louis squeezes Harry’s hand. “No, not for those reasons. Remember when I didn’t tell you the reason why I went to the doctors?” 

Harry nods, and sees that Louis is, apparently, avoiding, all eye contact whatsoever, so he says,”Yeah.” 

“Well, I learned that I have to get my eyeballs surgically removed.” 

Harry literally felt his heart stop.

“I have eye cancer and to keep it from spreading I have to do just that. Rip my eyeballs out of its eye sockets.” Louis mumbles the rest. 

“Oh my God, Louis. When?” 

“A few weeks at tops.” 

“Oh my god, Louis.” Harry barely breathes out. He slips his hand out of Louis’ grasp and hugs him, tight. Harry was afraid that he would break Louis’ ribs but this other part of him doesn't care. 

“It’s fine. I said I’m fine.” Louis reassures Harry. 

Harry faces Louis’ neck, breathing in the scent of Louis. Harry can feel tears starting to spill down his cheeks. 

“Oh my God, Harry. I’m fine. I said I’m fine. The doctor said I have 83% chance of surviving. Please Harry, stop crying, you’re making me choked up.” Louis’ voice gets caught and so does Harry’s and they cry together. 

Harry doesn’t know how long he’d been crying, but it must’ve been pretty long because his eyes are starting to get puffy. 

“Louis, can I see you?” Harry asks. 

“What an odd question.” Louis sniffles, wiping his snot with his sleeve. “Haven’t you already seen me? You’re seeing me right now.”

“No, not like that. Like really see you. I want to look at your face without you looking away. I want to actually see the color of your eyes. I want to actually see the shape of your face without you having to run away.” Harry says, suddenly needing, suddenly wanting all of Louis. It’s a desperate sort of feeling. Harry needs to see Louis or else he won’t be able to live with himself. 

Louis’ head starts to turn up, and Harry sees a glimpse of Louis’ beautiful cloudy gray eyes but he quickly closes his eyes shut and looks away. 

“Here. Let me help.” Harry whispers, voice cracking at the word,’help’. 

Harry gently places his finger under Louis’ chin. His skin feels so much softer than it looks. Harry lifts his finger and so does Louis’ head. And Harry can feel all of the air leaving out of his body.

Yes, Louis’ face is blotchy and pink because of crying so hard(Harry is sure that his face is like that, too)but it’s not that he sees. It’s far from what he sees.  
Harry sees someone so vulnerable. Harry sees someone trying so hard to hide himself that it only causes them to be seen. Harry sees someone so broken down, all the way to the core, and the core is pretty damn wonderful.

In Louis’ eyes, you see everything from heartbreak to sadness, from desperation to closing off. In Louis’ eyes, you can see someone so true and beautiful and just plain human. 

“Do you like what you see?” Louis asks. 

Harry let’s go, not wanting to, but having to. “Yeah.” 

Louis looks away again. 

“No, please. I like you.” Harry says, and Louis gives him a wild look. Harry quickly adds,”I mean, I like looking at you. It’s nice actually seeing your face.” Harry internally slaps himself. 

But to Harry’s amusement, Louis laughs whole heartedly, tears still streaming down his face. “I’ll work on my social skills so you can look at me some more.” Louis says with a smile. Harry smiles too, not sure if he actually saw Louis wink.

 

***

 

"Oh my God." Gemma says once Harry told her all of the details.

“I know.” Harry says, watching Gemma pace the room.

“So he opened up to you.” 

“That’s right.”

“And than you guys cried together.” 

“Mmhmmmm.”

“And than you guys basically had the most sensual tension in the room.” 

“Yup.” 

“You are so going to get fucked sooner or later.” Gemma concludes.

“What makes you think I’m getting fucked? For all I know,he likes people with vaginas.” Harry asks, his voice high.

“Trust me on this one. He’s interested.” Gemma says, hands on her hips. 

“Ugh.” Harry groans. 

“Anyways, what do your annoying friends say about this?” Gemma asks, along a seat next to Harry.

Harry takes out his phone and reads out the texts. “‘Next time you come over his house, bring a condom lol semicolon parenthesis.’”

“Let me guess: Niall?” 

“Who else?” Harry retorts. “‘This is too good omfg I need more details tell me every single thing’, signed by Liam. “‘Finally, you guys are getting somewhere,’ signed by a very impatient Zayn.”

“Wow. Your friends are the best.” Gemma says sarcastically.

“I know.” Harry says.

“But you know, I am proud of you. You’re making big steps, little brother. Lots of change will happen in the future.” Gemma says.

“Well, thanks Ms.Fortune Teller.” Harry jokes. 

Gemma smiles and they stare at the wall for a second. Harry breaks the ice by asking,”What if he doesn’t make it? What if he’s part of the 17%?” 

Gemma puts her head on Harry’s shoulder. “He’ll make it. I promise.” 

_Don’t make promises you can’t keep,_ Harry thinks,feeling his stomach drop.

 

***

 

"Hi, Harry." Louis says, actually smiling to Harry.

“Hey,Louis.” Harry says, smiling back. 

“Come on in.” Louis opens the door wider and Harry is comfortable enough to walk straight to Louis’ room without anyone guiding him. 

Harry takes out his pencil and packet while Louis takes out his laptop. They joke around and Louis even laughs at one of Harry’s jokes(probably because of how bad it is). Harry feels like he’s on top of the world. 

Louis suddenly clicks a different tab and goes on YouTube. 

“What are you doing?” Harry asks, leaning over. Harry can feel Louis’ body heat waving off. 

“Taking a break. I want to show you a video.” Louis clicks a video called,”How to Procrastinate Like a PRO” by a guy named danisnotonfire. “This is one of my favorites.” 

The video starts playing and Harry pays close attention. Harry laughs at all the funny and stupid parts and shakes his head at the things that are embarrassingly true. The video ends and Harry is doubling over, laughing. 

“Oh god, that guy is funny.” Harry says between breathes. 

“Yup. He is.” Louis says, light toned.

The room fills with silence, but it’s not awkward this time. It’s the kind of silence where two people don’t need to talk to fill it up. Just being with each other, just knowing the other is in the same room, is enough to fill it. Enough to feel comfortable.

Harry sees Louis looking at him. “What?” 

Louis smiles and shakes his head. “Nothing.”

“You’re looking at me that way.” Harry says.

“Like what, Harry?” Louis asks raising an eyebrow. Harry isn’t sure whether the light is making Louis’ eyes sparkly or maybe it’s the glint reflecting off of his glasses. 

“Like you’re fond of me.” Harry cautiously says, afraid of what it might do to the growing friendship.

“Hmmmmm interesting observation, Harry.” Louis says, coy. Louis leans in a little bit and Harry wonders if this is the same guy he saw during school, much more quiet and reserved. Harry can’t decide which version of Louis he prefers. “Since I’m ‘fond’ of you, I guess that makes you crazy for me.” 

Harry’s eyes widen, heart pounding. Is Harry that obvious? 

Louis laughs at Harry’s expression and Harry coughs, trying to get his lungs to work. “I’m just playing around Harry.” 

“Yeah. I knew that.” Harry says, struggling to smile. 

“I’m going to get my surgery next week.” Louis says suddenly serious. 

“Oh. Do you want me to keep you company?” Harry asks.

Louis shakes his head. “It’s fine. Anyways, they probably won’t let you in cause you’re not family.”

Harry nods. “Just tell me when the surgery is done ok? I want to know how you’re doing and everything.” 

Louis nods and Harry holds his hand. Louis smiles in gratitude. Louis uses his other hand to grab his blue pen and uncaps it with his teeth. He writes on Harry’s hand and Harry giggles, trying to squirm away.

“Stop moving, curly.” Louis says. 

Harry feels his heart jump. _He called me ‘curly’,_ Harry thinks. Harry giggles some more. “I’m sorry. It’s just the pen is tickling me.” 

Louis finishes writing and Harry lifts his hand to see but Louis yells,”No! I don’t want you to see. Not just yet. Can you look when you’re home?” 

Harry nods, but he thinks, _aren’t I already home? Isn’t my home you?_

“Good. And are you sure the pen was the one that was tickling you?” Louis asks, crinkling his nose that makes Harry have the crazy urge to kiss him, right than and there. 

“What?” Harry asks, smiling. He sure smiles a lot today. 

Louis attacks Harry with a round full of tickles. 

“No, no! Not the stomach! Not the stomach!” Harry roars with laughter. 

“You don’t tell someone who’s tickling you not to tickle you at a certain spot, you twat.” Louis says, now tickling Harry on the stomach. 

Louis places his mouth on Harry’s abdomen and he blows hot air, making a weird and strangled sound. 

Harry laughs, tears spilling down his ears, cheeks numb and stomach sore. _This is the best feeling in the world,_ he thinks. Louis stops and laughs too, still lying above Harry.

No.  _This_ is the best feeling in the world. Laughing with this precious boy. Sharing comfortable silences with him. Holding hands, feeling each others' heat. Crying and opening up to each other. Finally getting to know more about him. Just being in the same presence as Louis can cause Harry to feel so much, so happy and utterly in love. Those are the best feelings in the world. 

The laughter dies down and Louis stares down at Harry while Harry stares up into Louis’ gray eyes. The room electrifies with tension, not knowing whether its sensual or sexual. Maybe both. This is the closest Harry has been with Louis, and also the longest eye contact they made with one another. Harry feels like he might die due to Louis’ beauty. 

Harry can’t help but bite his lip. Being this close to Louis can cause any person to be aroused. Harry’s eyes flicks his down to Louis’ pink lips, so full and soft. Louis starts to close his eyes and leans down. The only thing Harry can hear is the heavy breathing coming from Louis’ mouth. Louis stops when his forehead connects with Harry’s forehead.   
Harry looks up into Louis’ eyes, and nuzzles his nose against Louis’. Louis gently rubs his thumb against Harry’s dimple while Harry moves his thumb to and fro against Louis’ cheek. 

Harry lifts up his chin, wanting to connect his lips against Louis’ but hesitates at the last second. Louis sees the hesitation in Harry’s eyes and he whispers,”Kiss me, you fool.” 

Harry smiles, loving it when Louis knows what he wants, and does as he’s told. 

Harry kisses Louis and Louis kisses back with such passion that Harry has trouble thinking straight. Louis’ lips are so soft and smooth. 

“Do you put on Chapstick everyday?” Harry asks. 

“What?” Louis asks in confusion.

“Your lips are just so soft.” Harry answers quite flustered. 

Louis cheekily smiles. “Thank you, Harry. And yes, I put on Chapstick everyday. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to kiss you.” 

Harry quickly shuts up. Harry slides his hands on Louis’ hips and rubbing tiny circles with his thumbs. Louis twirls Harry’s hair around his fingers. 

“My sisters were right. Your hair is really curly.” Louis says. 

Harry smiles. “Shut up so I can kiss you some more, idiot.” 

Louis’ smile reaches up to his eyes and their lips connect again. Louis opens his mouth and Harry opens his. Harry needs more, wants more, craves more of Louis, everything of Louis. Skin, heat, breath, and sweat. Harry craves all of them. Harry craves everything from Louis’ skin to his love. 

Just when it feels like Harry will lose all oxygen, lose all control and feeling the need to rip off Louis’ shirt, he hears a knock on the door. 

“Louis? Harry? Are you guys done? I want to test my new nail polish on you guys.” Says a muffled Lottie voice. The door opens and Louis immediately gets off of Harry. 

“Ummmm yeah almost, Lottie.” Louis says, wiping the fog for his glasses. 

“Why are you guys red-faced?” Lottie asks. 

“You know, stifling hot room.” Louis says, waving his hand in the air. 

“We’ll play with you later. Louis and I just have to get done with unfinished business.” Harry gives Louis a quick wink before turning back to Lottie.

Lottie squints, still confused and a little suspicious. “Ok.” 

She leaves with a quiet click and Harry pounces on Louis.

 

***

 

Harry enters his home, still smiling and feeling like he’s on Cloud 9. He doesn’t think he’s ever left Cloud 9. Before going to his room, Harry goes to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water, throat raspy and dry. He replays the night and remembers that Louis wrote something on his palm. Harry checks it out and smiles the millionth time that night.  
‘116-8965 is my number. Text me, will yah? -Louis =)’

 

***

 

"Oh my God. You got fucked. Much sooner than I thought but still. You got fucked. Congratulations. You’re not a virgin anymore." Gemma says the next morning during breakfast. 

“What? My son isn’t a virgin anymore?” Harry’s mum, Anne,asks.

Harry blushes. “Thanks a lot, Gemma.” He mumbles. He turns to Anne. “Well, it’s not like we ripped each others clothes off. And it’s more like I got halfway fucked.” Anne gives Harry a stern look and mumbles. “Sorry. No cussing.”

“Whatever. You will. In the meantime, why won’t you invite him over? Since you have his phone number and all.” Gemma says. 

“I don’t think so.” Harry says.

“What? I was looking forward to meeting your boyfriend.” Anne says, clearly disappointed.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Harry says, chewing the last of his toast.

“Future boyfriend. And he doesn’t have to be your boyfriend to join us for dinner.” Gemma says. 

Harry sighs. “Fine. I’ll ask him if he’s free.” 

“Yay.” Anne says, giving Harry a quick kiss on the forehead.

_“Hey Lou :) my mum and my sister wanted you to join dinner today and i totally understand if you’re busy or if you don’t want to come but yeah anyways bye -harry”_ Harry quickly texts, lying on his bed.

Louis answers a few minutes later.

_“Hey,harry :) of course I want to come over and have dinner over at your place! You’ve been to mine for about two weeks now and I think it’s only fair that I come over to yours. Ps: you don’t have to put your name after each message. I know who you are ;)”_

Harry’s phones buzzes with another message,shorter this time. 

_“Do you want me to come over?”_

Harry’s fingers fly around the keys on his phone. 

_“Of course I want you to come over! Just nervous I guess.”_

_“Nervous? I know. I have that power over people ;)”_

Harry groans as he feels himself getting hard. Why did he have to add the winky face? 

_“Ok. I’ll pick you up at 6:30 than :)”_ Harry types. 

_“See you than :D I hope you don’t mind texting me until you pick me up.”_

Harry replies and Louis replies to Harry’s reply and their responses to each other’s response turns into a full blown out conversation. The conversations that can’t be stopped. 

“Hey. I think it’s about time you picked up your boyfriend.” Gemma says, showing up at the door. She covers her face when she sees Harry’s lovesick smile. “Oh, God. Please don’t tell me you guys were sexting. Please, just don’t.” 

“No we weren’t sexting.” Harry says, still smiling. 

Gemma rolls her eyes. “Well if you haven’t noticed, it’s 6 and I came here so you have a few minutes to put on your face before making an impression.” 

Harry gives Gemma a quick hug. “Thank you so so much Gemma. You’re the best sister ever.” 

Gemma blows Harry a kiss. “Whatever you say kid.” And she leaves the room with a swift whip of her straight hair.

“What should I wear? What should I wear?” Harry runs his hands through his curly hair. He opens his closet and sees a mess. “Shit shit shit.” 

After digging through his closet for more than 10 minutes, Harry decides to wear black jeans and a buttoned-down shirt. Harry runs to the bathroom and puts gel in his hair, taming his curly animal. 

He checks the time on his phone. 6:25 p.m. Harry quickly texts Louis. 

_“I’m ready :) tell me when you’re ready, Lou.”_

Harry holds his phones on his hand, waiting for the familiar buzz. It finally buzzes after 3 minutes. Harry fumbles for his inbox.

_“Ready :) ps:I can’t wait to see what your room looks like ;)”_

Harry bites his bottom lip. “Shit.” He mumbles.

 

***

 

Harry drove back and forth, from his house to Louis’ and back to his. Harry unwinds his fingers from the steering wheel, feeling stiff. 

“You okay?” Louis asks in the passenger seat. 

“Yeah.” Harry mumbles.

Louis takes Harry’s sweaty hands in his warm ones. “We can go back to my place if you want. I’m fine with that.” 

Harry looks over to Louis. The light from the streetlamp above them reflects against Louis’ glasses, making it hard to see Louis’ gray eyes. 

“No. It’s fine. I’m fine.” Harry forces a smile and Louis forces one back. “C’mon. I can’t wait for you to taste my mum’s pasta.”

 

***

 

Anne and Gemma’s eyes widen as Harry and Louis enter the dining room. Harry pulls out a chair for Louis and pushes it back in when Louis has his arse on the cushion. Harry sits on the chair left of Louis. The plates, forks, napkins, and pasta are set down on the table. 

Harry expected there to be lots of awkward silence throughout the dinner, but it’s quite the opposite in reality. 

Louis makes light jokes and Anne laughs(so does Harry but he tries to keep it to a minimum). Anne asks questions and Louis answers. Louis compliments the house and the food and Anne thanks him. Gemma teases Harry for looking like a tomato(but that was only because she told Louis she “knows that Harry got fucked that one night") and Louis couldn’t contain his adorable laughter. Gemma makes sarcastic comments whenever she can and Louis sasses her, which causes them to bicker in their sass-and-sarcastic conversations. And throughout it all, Harry and Louis can’t get enough of each other. They would bump elbows and knees. They would squeeze each others thighs. They would play footsies under the table. And they would share secret smiles between bites of pasta. 

But all of that ended when Anne asks,”Harry told us you had eye cancer and you have to get your eyes removed. When is that?”

Harry can feel Louis tense up, and when Louis tense up, Harry tenses up too.

Harry squeezes Louis’ hand under the table and says,”Mum, I don’t think you should-” 

“It’s ok, Harry.” Louis squeezes back as if to say,’I can handle this.’ Harry nods in defeat. “To answer your question, Mrs.Styles, I will have my eyeballs removed tomorrow.” 

Gemma and Anne’s eyes widen at the information while Harry’s turn into tiny slits. “Wow.” Is all Gemma says.

“Louis, I hope the operation works well and I hope you will have no evidence of cancer.” Anne concludes.

Louis smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach up to his eyes. “I hope so too, ma’am. Although I’d be blind, so that’s unfortunate.” 

“We all have to make sacrifices.” Gemma pipes up. 

And that’s when Harry feels like taking back the ‘best sister ever’ comment. 

After dinner, Harry starts to clean up the dishes when Anne immediately says,”It’s ok, Harry. I’ll do the dishes tonight.” 

“No, it’s fine mum.” Harry says, continuing to gather the dishes. 

Anne gives Gemma a quick look, and Harry doesn’t understand what passes on their expressions. “Harry. We got this.” Gemma says, taking the plates from Harry’s hands. 

Harry frowns, confused. He quickly recovers and says,”C’mon Louis. Time to show you my room.” 

“Thank you for the dinner, Mrs.Styles.” Louis says before going up the stairs. 

“Call me Anne.” She says with a simple smile. 

“Thank you for the dinner, Anne.” Louis corrects himself.

Anne smiles and Harry leads Louis up the stairs. 

“Wow. This is your room.” Louis says, taking it all in.

“Yup.” Harry says, not really in the mood to have small talk.

“Is this you?” Louis asks, pointing at a picture of Harry wearing an umbrella hat. “You’re still dorky looking, even back than.”

“Yeah. It’s me.” Harry mumbles.

Louis puts the picture back on the desktop and sits next to Harry. Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s shoulders and he puts his head on Harry’s shoulder. “What’s wrong, curly?” 

Harry shifts his body so he can face Louis. “What you said back there. You told me that you were going to have your surgery a few weeks at tops. And than you said it’s going to be a week. And suddenly you’re saying it’s tomorrow.” 

Louis, for the first time in forever, avoids eye contact with Harry. It’s like the first day all over again: Louis avoiding Harry and Harry trying to talk his way through. Louis clenches his jaw. 

“I know that.” Louis mumbles.

“Than why didn’t you tell me?” Harry asks his voice rising. Harry clears his throat. 

Louis doesn’t answer. He just stays quiet.

“Can you answer this though?” Harry whispers. Louis nods. “When did you know?” 

“Yesterday.” Louis mutters.

Yesterday. As in the day Louis kissed Harry. As in the day Harry kissed Louis back. Yesterday, as in the day Harry thought Louis actually liked him. 

“Harry, what are you thinking? Say something. Please. Anything.” Louis pleads, voice wavering. 

Harry feels anger rising in his chest but smothers it into the only that's left: sadness. 

“You only kissed me yesterday because you knew you were going to become blind. Didn’t you?” Harry hopes he’s wrong. Harry hopes that Louis wanted to be with him as much as Harry wanted to be with Louis. Harry hopes that Louis will say that he’s wrong. But Louis does none of that. Louis does nothing. 

Louis quickly stands up. “I’m going to leave.” 

“No, let me drive you home.” Harry says.

“No.” Louis abruptly says, causing Harry to flinch. “I’m sorry. I just…..I need to walk home and clear my head.” 

The words get lodged in Harry’s throat. The only thing he can manage is a nod. Louis leaves without another word. 

Through the thin walls, Harry can hear his mum talking to Louis, Louis responding in a rush, and than a click. Louis’ left. Harry let’s gravity pull him down and he flops on his bed. 

Harry closes his eyes. How is it that Louis can break Harry’s heart, how is it that Louis trampled and stomped and bruised and ripped Harry’s heart to shreds, and Harry still has the nerve to love him? How is it that Harry still has the nerve to still love the perfect boy that is far from perfect?

“What the hell happened?” Gemma asks, barging in the room. 

“To tell you the truth, I have no idea.” Harry answers, rubbing his eyes. 

Gemma seems to understand that Harry doesn’t want to hear a lecture because all she says is,”At least visit him tomorrow.” 

Harry was about to ask,’visit Louis at his flat?’ But than Harry realized what Gemma actually meant. 

She wants Harry to visit Louis at the hospital.

 

***

 

Harry wakes up to a buzzing sound. Harry wipes away at his wet face. He feels knot after knot, unwinding in his chest. He must’ve cried in his sleep. Harry couldn’t remember what the dream was about, but he knew it had to do with Louis. Something always has to do with Louis. 

Harry unlocks his phone. One new message. He clicks on the mail icon and he reads the text, his ribs collapsing over his lungs. 

_“I know you wouldn’t want to answer this. I just want you to know I’m going to the hospital right now to get my surgery._ _More importantly, I want you to know I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that has happened yesterday. But I can’t say why I did what I did the day I knew about my surgery. It wouldn’t make sense. Anyways, I’ll text you when the surgery is over.”_

Harry lazily throws his phone across the room and tries to go back to sleep. But it’s pretty hard when all you can do is cry over a loved one.

"Up." 

“What?” Harry grumbles. He barely open up his eyes when he sees Gemma walk across the room and opening the curtain wide open. The sunlight burns Harry’s eyes. “What are you doing here? And why are you dressed up?” 

Gemma rolls her eyes. “I’m here to drive you out of your misery. Literally.” She rips the blanket off of Harry and Harry feels the cold biting his bare skin. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Just put on something decent and get off your lazy arse.” Gemma bosses. 

Harry grumbles something incoherent and quickly throws on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. 

Gemma gets her keys out of her bag and leaves the room. Harry follows suit. 

Harry stares out the window for about half the ride when he’s on full alert. 

“Wait, that’s Asda.” Harry points.

“That’s right.” Gemma says, calm, cool, and collected.

“And that’s the pharmacy.” 

“Mhm.” 

“And we’re on St Werburgh’s street.”

“Keep going.” 

Harry raises an eyebrow. “You’re taking me to the hospital, aren’t you?” 

“Congratulations Harry! You put the puzzle pieces together!” Gemma says in a fake cheery voice. 

“Gemma, drive us back home.”

“What? Why? We’re almost there anyways. At least say hi to Lou-” 

“Don’t. Even. Say. His. Name.” Harry says through gritted teeth. He turns away, hoping Gemma thinks he’s angry when really, he’s just miserable. 

“I’m going to drag you in there whether you like it or not.” Gemma protests in her I’m-older-and-wiser-so-shut-up-and-listen-to-me voice.

 

***

 

Although it turns out Harry dragged his own arse out of the car. 

“Good luck, Harry.” Gemma says before he leaves. 

“I’m going to need it.” Harry smiles closed mouth, hugging his sweater tighter. 

Harry walks in front of the automatic doors an it slides open. Harry looks back at Gemma and she gives him a smile and a thumbs up. Harry walks through the doors, more confident than he expected to be. 

It smells like bleach, roses, and false hopes in the hospital. Harry walks up to a lady at the front desk. She wears white. Harry notices almost everything in the hospital is white. It just reminds Harry of the pink room over at Louis’ flat. Harry wipes out the thought before he can get any painful vibes by getting any deeper. 

“Excuse me.” Harry whispers. It just feels required to whisper in a hospital at dawn. “I’m Louis Tomlinson’s brother. Do you know what room he’s in?” 

“You’re his brother? You don’t have any resemblance.” The nurse says, eyeing Harry from head to toe.

“Stepbrother actually. We’re so close, we’re practically brothers.” Harry says nonchalant. 

The nurse types something on the computer and says,”He’s in room 312. Right down the hall.” The nurse points to her right.

“Thank you.” Harry says. 

Walking to Louis’ room was like treading water. It’s difficult and Harry isn’t sure he’s actually moving his feet. Seeing Louis through the glass window was like drowning. He can’t breathe and the only thing he can focus on his trying to breathe when he can’t find enough air. 

Harry walks in the room, tears filling his eyes. Harry takes a stool and sets it besides Louis’ bed. 

The tears starts to run down his face. Louis’ eyes are bandaged up. Harry can see Louis’ nails bitten down so deep in that it still bleeds. Louis’ face seems to be red and puffy. Harry isn’t sure whether it’s because of the surgery or if it’s because Louis had been crying. Harry doesn’t know which is worse. 

“Oh Louis. I’m so sorry Louis.” Harry starts to sob. Harry doesn’t want to wake up Louis and he doesn’t want to leave Louis, either, so Harry puts his fist in his mouth. It doesn’t muffle out the sound well, though. Harry can see Louis stirring. Harry starts to panic. He doesn’t want Louis to know he’s here. 

“Hmmmm? Mum? Is that you?” Louis says, half-asleep. Louis sniffles and his voice quivers. “Mum. Mummy it hurts. It hurts.” 

Harry clenches his hands into fists. He feels his nails digging in his palm. “I know it hurts. But you’re strong enough to fight through it. I know you are.” 

Louis reaches for something in the air, and Harry takes his hand. Harry squeezes but Louis just keeps repeating,”Mum it hurts mum mummy it hurts everything hurts.” 

And everything does hurt. Seeing Louis in pain, in this much pain, is enough to make Harry hurt, too. 

“Just sleep, honey. You’ll make it. You’ll make it. I promise. You’re stronger than this. You can make it. You’re strong.” Harry repeats. 

Louis lets go and reaches over to press a button. Liquid flows through the tubes and into Louis’ body. Pain medication. 

Harry leaves the room, knowing that Louis thought that Harry was Johannah but Harry doesn’t care. He got to see Louis and that’s all that matters, even though all he saw was the pain Louis has to go through.

 

***

 

A few days pass and Harry doesn’t know how he’s feeling. Harry picks up his phone, waiting for a call or a text. Not even a single buzz. Harry has Louis on speed dial. Lucky number 7. Harry’s thumb hovers the tiny number but he never presses on it. 

Harry stays in his room and wonders when the stupid project will be due(Ms.Whitmore still doesn’t know when the students should turn it in). He wants the project over with.

More importantly, he just wants to end all the misery that was caused because of Louis. 

His friends aren’t any help, either. Although Harry appreciates their help and their kind words, he just isn’t in the mood. He isn’t in the mood for anything anymore. 

All Harry can do, all Harry can ever do nowadays, is let each day pass by over his shadow. 

A full week after seeing Louis in the hospital, Harry still lays in his bed, staring at his ceiling, drowning in his misery. Harry hears the door open and three familiar voices after that. The footsteps become louder until it stops at Harry’s door.

“You look like shit!” Niall says, lying down next to Harry. 

“Thanks for your concern.” Harry grumbles. 

“How are you feeling?” Zayn asks, laying a hand on Harry’s knee. 

Harry shrugs. “I don’t even know how to describe it.” 

Harry does know how to describe it, though. Do feelings exist in places that feel numb? It just feels like being numb. Being numb to everything and everyone around him. No amount of cajoling or comforting can make Harry feel whole again. No amount of coffee and chocolate can make Harry feel full again. 

“You don’t have to, lad.” Liam says. “We’re going to take you for a ride.”

“Seriously, bro, you need some sun.” Niall says,poking Harry’s cheek.

Harry chuckles but only to show his friends that he can still manage a barely-there-but-still-existing smile even though it feels so unnatural. “You’re seriously telling me about getting some sun when we live in London?” 

Niall shrugs. 

“Point is.” Liam continues. “You need to get out.” 

“And what makes you think I would?” Harry asks.

“We’ll stop by Taco Bell and get your favorite taco.” Zayn suggests.

Harry hesitates. “Fine.” He slowly says. “But only for the tacos.”

 

***

 

"Did that really happen?" Harry asks, trying to hold in his bursting laughter.

“You really think I would lie about a naked hobo?” Niall shoot back. Harry couldn’t hold it in anymore. He bursts out laughing, causing the other boys to laugh that much harder. 

Harry doubles over, hand over stomach, the other losing its grip in the taco. “Niall, I can’t eat my taco if you’re making me laugh this much!” 

The other boys give each other a knowing smile. It seems as if they got their boy back. Harry’s fingers loosen some more and his taco slides out of his fingers. He just stares at the mess he’s made. 

“You’re blaming me for making you not able to eat your taco?” Niall asks, pointing at the dropped food. 

Zayn snorts, and Liam giggles. Harry bursts out laughing, his laugh echoing down the mostly empty streets. But his laugh stops short when he sees him. Him as in who-else-right? 

Louis is wearing a long sleeved sweater, almost too big, making him look even smaller and cuter. He wears skinny jeans and holds a cane in one hand, and his mother’s arm in the other. He is also wearing sunglasses. 

“What are you-oh, shit.” Niall says, following Harry’s eyes. 

“Are you going to be fine?” Liam asks, his voice sounding far away.”We can go now. We can buy you another taco.” 

Louis stares at Harry, or so it seems. It’s hard to tell behind the sunglasses. Harry suddenly remembers. He had his eyeballs removed. 

Harry feels his numbness replace with all of this pain and misery. Harry feels the agony of missing someone so much that it hurts. Harry feels the pain of loving someone so much that it’s the only thing he can think of. Seeing Louis has and always been the thing that woke him up through his numbness. 

Harry feels tears prickling in his eyes. 

“C’mon. Let's go home.” Zany mumbles, pulling Harry away from the one person he wanted to see. The one person he needed to see.

 

***

 

The walk to the car wasn’t that bad. It felt like any other day when Harry didn’t have Louis. Numb, hard to breathe,feelings he should be used to by now.

The car ride was mostly the problem. 

Harry couldn’t stop crying, letting out all of his tears and wails of sadness out. The car ride was bumpy, and Harry wanted Zayn to drive slower. Zayn drove slower, and Harry needed the car to go faster. Harry is sandwiched between Liam and Niall, making it harder to breathe.

“Too much heat.” Harry said. Zayn rolled the windows down and it became too cold. What Harry really meant was,”I need Louis. I need Louis to be able to function again.”

When Harry couldn’t handle anymore, Harry told Zayn to stop the car. Harry lays horizontally in the backseat, his top half on Liam and bottom half on Niall. Liam plays with Harry’s curls and says every once in a while,”sssshhhh shhhh it’s ok, curly. Let it out, curly.” And Harry wants to slap some sense in Liam because only Louis is able to call him that, and Harry reminds himself that Liam doesn't know that and Harry feels immediately guilty and cries harder. 

After Harry’s crying session, there comes the snot fest. “Tissue please.” Harry mumbles, his throat hoarse. Niall hands him a tissue and rubs his palm against Harry’s shin. Harry blows out his snot and the more he blows out, the more will replace it. 

“Ugh.” Harry says, giving up on cleaning his nose. 

It becomes pretty quiet after, the only noise coming from Harry’s sniffling. Zayn breaks the silence by turning the engine back on and asking Harry,”Where does he live?” 

Zayn already started driving down the road when Harry asks,”What?”

“I’m asking you where does he live.” Zayn repeats, calmer than most days.

Harry plays dumb. “Who?” 

Zayn rolls his eyes. “Do you really want me to say the name?”

“That’s a rhetorical question, isn’t it?” Harry asks, too stubborn to answer the question. 

“Harry.”

“Zayn.” 

“Niall.” Liam says.

“Liam.” Niall remarks.

Liam smirks. “No this is Patrick.” 

Niall claps his hands and starts laughing his arse off. He reminds Harry of a seal. 

“You guys are so stupid.” Zayn mumbles. He turns to Harry. “Fine. Since you won’t tell me where he lives, I am going to assume that you’ll get your shit together soon enough and drive you home. Fine with you?” 

“Fine with me.” Harry says.

 

***

 

Harry enters his house feeling stupid and childish. His friends were only trying to help him. And Harry was a bomb, tick tocking until something inside him snapped. He exploded. He should apologize to them. Especially to Zayn. Harry picks up his phone and calls Niall and Liam first. It rang and rang until it went to voicemail.

“Thanks for trying to help me. But the one person that can really help me is me right? Heh. I don’t even know if that made sense but anyways, thanks for trying.” Harry hangs up and clicks Zayn’s number.

It immediately went to voicemail. “Hey Zayn. Sorry for acting like a piece of shit. Maybe it’s because I _am_ a piece of shit. Anyways, I just want to thank you for trying to help me. I really appreciate it. And I’m sorry. Again. I guess I was just still hurt by everything and I took it out on my bestest friends. I think I took it out in you especially, and I’m really sorry about that.” Harry hangs up. 

Harry enters his room and continues his daily round of staring at the ceiling. His phone buzzes two times. He doesn’t expect anything from Louis,and he was right. The messages were from Liam and Niall. 

Niall texted-  
 _“Ah c’mon bro you know I’ll always try to help you out! (Even though you sometimes annoy the shit out of me) I mean, you’re my best friend and my brother so of course I’m helping you out! And what you said was total bullcrap. What’s wrong with getting a little help from the people around you? We, as in Liam, Zayn, Gemma, Anne, and I all love you and we can help you through your bad times. And that turned out much sappier than I thought oh well lol just call me up when you need me ok?”_

Liam texted-  
 _“Hey Harry. I am your friend. So are Zayn and Niall. We are always there for you and we are always trying to help you through your rough times. We are you friends for God’s sake, and friends are always there for each other. We will always try and get you smiling again. And yes, it’s true what you said. The one person that can help yourself is you. But that doesn’t mean you will and that doesn’t mean you necessarily want to. When you don’t want and can’t help out yourself, that’s where we come in. The people that love you and the people that are always here for you come in and help you out at your worst. So dude don’t think it’s ok that you have to deal with this on your own. You have people around you to help.”_

Zayn texts Harry a few minutes later.  
 _“You_ are _a piece of shit, but it’s something I’m used to. And are you serious dude I am your friend and friends help each other out. Don’t be so surprised when I hand you a box of tacos the next time you’re this sad. And I know. You held it in for too long and you just had to let it out sometime, right? I know what it’s like. I know. Everyone will get their first heartbreak and there will come many more after that, an it would be just as painful a the last. But you do know it’ll be ok. This isn’t the end if the world. Maybe it’s just the end of something, and the beginning of something better.”_

And for the first time since that day, for the first time since Harry saw Louis at the hospital, Harry cries of pride and joy. His friends really are the greatest people in the world. Harry can’t get over how wise they all sound. Harry really is grateful. 

Harry quickly walks to the mirror and ruffles his hair so it looks semi-decent. He quickly wipes the tears out of his face. His eyes are a little puffy, but it isn’t that noticeable. 

“‘Maybe it’s just the end of something, and the beginning of something better.’” Harry repeats. 

Harry grabs his keys in the way out of the door. 

“Harry,where are you going?” Anne asks. “You just went out with your friends.” 

“I know,mum. But this thing, it’s sort of important to me, and I have to do it alone.” Harry quickly says. 

Anne nods. Harry gives her a kiss on the cheek. “Go get him, tiger.” She waves as he closes the door.

 

***

 

Harry recites the words over and over in his head, trying to come up with the perfect resonance for when he gets to see Louis. When he _finally_ gets to see Louis.  
Harry cuts the engine once he’s half a block away from Louis’ flat. Harry cracks his knuckles as if he’s going to start playing football. 

“Ok, Styles. You can do this.” Harry mumbles. 

Harry steps out the car and walks, one step at a time, easier and lighter than the other days before. Harry stops at the familiar 17 on the door. He knocks and waits for the door to open. 

“Who is it?” Says the familiar and lovely tenor belonging to none other than Louis. 

“It’s me.” Harry calls out. 

Harry’s response came in the form of an open door. 

“Harry? Is it really you?” Louis asks, practically breathless. Harry can see Louis’ bottom lip starting to tremble. 

Harry wants to suck on Louis’ lip so it would stop looking so perfect. “Yes. It’s me, Louis.” 

Louis. The name tastes unfamiliar yet it fits so well on Harry’s tongue. 

Louis pulls Harry in the living room by the hand and before he’s even able to close the door,Louis kisses Harry and Harry kisses back.

Louis’ lips tastes so much better in the dark. Louis’ lips tastes so much better when Harry hasn’t had a taste in what felt like forever. Louis’ lips taste so much better when all Harry was craving was this. All of this. All of Louis. 

“Wait,” Harry breathes out,”Wait,Lou. Is anybody home?” 

“No. Just us. We’re here. You’re here. With me. Alone.” Louis whispers. 

They stand in the middle of the living room, just breathing in each other’s breaths, just feeling each other’s heat. They stand in the middle of the living room, just holding onto each other like it’s the last thing they’ll ever do.

“I’ve missed you.” Harry whispers, voice wavering.

“I’ve missed you as well.” Louis says. 

Harry breathes in and than out. “I’ve missed you for so long, and I was too stubborn to do anything about it. I was too selfish to even ask you how the damn surgery went and how you’re doing and everything.” 

Louis chuckles. “Than ask now. It’s never too late.” 

Harry smiles. “How did your surgery go? How are your dealing?”

“You know, being blind sucks, but I’ll get used to it. And the surgery, it just hurt.” Louis plainly says.

Harry grimaces, remembering when he went to the hospital and saw Louis practically entering hell. 

“I’m sorry.” Harry says.

“Nothing to be sorry about, Hazza.” 

“No, I seriously am so sorry.” Harry whispers. The tears has made an arrival. Harry sniffles and continues on. “I’m sorry for everything that has happened. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry.” 

“Harry,I forgive you.” Louis says. 

“No. It can’t be that easy. You have to hear me out. Just hear me out,ok?” Harry asks,holding ok to Louis more desperately than ever. 

Louis nods. “Ok.” 

Harry holds onto Louis’ waist. “The only reason why I got so pissed off before is, well I thought you wanted to. I thought you actually wanted to kiss me. Than you say that you knew that you were going to have surgery the day you kissed me. I thought maybe that you knew and you only decided to kiss me because you were going blind. Like your senses were craving attention before you became blind or something. I don’t know. It’s really stupid and I’m sorry.” 

Louis kisses the top of Harry’s nose. “I knew about the surgery after I kissed you. And you’re a twat. I wanted you, I still want you, whether or not I became blind.” 

Harry kisses Louis in the forehead. “You have me.” 

Louis places his lips on Harry’s before saying,”and you are forgiven. And I’m quite sorry for not telling you before. I guess I was just afraid of getting you hurt.”

Harry scoffs. “Being away from you for more than a week was enough pain for me.”

Louis smiles. “Ok. You won’t be away from me for long.”

Harry frowns. “What do you mean by ‘for long’?” Harry can feel Louis tense up so Harry rubs small circles on his back. Louis deflates, as if expecting the question to appear sometime. “Your questions sure put a damper on things,don’t they?” 

“It’s ok. You don’t have to talk about it.” Harry mumbles, rubbing his nose on Louis’ shoulders.

“It’s fine, Harry.” Louis curls his fingers around the fabric of Harry’s sweater. “It’s bad news.” He mumbles. 

No. It can’t be.  

“Whatever it is we’ll make it through.” Harry encourages him.

Louis shakes his head against Harry’s chest. Harry can feel something wet on his chest. He than realizes that Louis is crying. 

“I have about five more years to live than I’m gone. About five more years to live with you until the cancer takes its toll on me.” Louis whimpers. He takes a shaky breath. “And I won’t be able to do the project. My mom decided to get me out of school early.”

Harry wants to punch a wall. He wants to rip the world to shreds. He wants to yell to the heavens,’Why?! Why him?! Why does it have to be him?!” Most of all, Harry wants to curl up in a ball and cry. 

Harry sniffles. All he says is,”Well I guess we better make your five years worth every breath.”

 

***

 

The first three years of being together were absolutely spectacular. Just being with Louis, being in the same presence as Louis, made Harry feel every single spark fly. They were always together, and if they weren’t physically together, they would text and call. Although, college made it harder for them to see each other but that’s what Skype is for. 

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” Louis mumbled sleepily while Skyping with Harry one day. 

“You guys are attached to the hip.” Says practically everyone, but Harry doesn’t mind. He loves it when they’re together.

The fourth year was when cancer really bit Louis. 

Five years at tops they said. But Louis didn’t even make it to five years.

Louis lays in the hospital bed, looking so weak and tired even though he hasn’t moved an inch in the past few days. 

Harry enters the hospital room, a rose in his hand. He takes a wooden chair and slides it next to Louis’ bed. 

Louis slowly opens his eyes and gives Harry a weak smile. “Hi.” He croaks out. 

Harry smiles back. “Hi.”

Looking at Louis in the hospital bed, Harry felt like he prepared himself for a moment like this. He knew Louis would die sooner or later. It just turned out to be sooner. Harry knew the time would come. He feels ready. Maybe a little more ready than he wants to be.

“Is the rose for me?” Louis asks,crinkles showing up at the corner of his eyes.

Harry places the rose on the shelf next to Louis. “Who else would I give it to?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe your other boyfriend.” Louis jokes.

Harry chuckles. “You caught me. This rose wasn’t meant for you.”

Louis crinkles his nose. “Darn it! I’m so jealous!” 

Harry laughs but it quickly dies. Harry strokes Louis’ cheek. Louis closes his eyes. _No, don’t go. Not just yet,_ Harry pleads. 

“I love you.” Harry says.

“Don’t say that.” 

“Why?”

“Don’t say that, like you’re saying goodbye. You’re not saying goodbye. We’re not saying goodbye to each other.” Louis says, a little breathless after.

“I’m not saying it as a goodbye. I wanted you to know how much I honestly and truly love you.” Harry says. 

Louis’ eyes stays closed, and Harry wonders if Louis is tired of seeing his face. 

“You know I would have to kill myself if I don’t tell you this.” Louis says out of nowhere, causing Harry to jump a little out of his seat. 

“Louis, don’t waste your breath on me.” Harry whispers.

Louis licks his chapped lips. “Trust me when I say I am not wasting anything when it comes to you.” 

Harry feels his throat closing up and his eyes springing with tears, but he doesn’t want to cry in front of Louis. 

“Go on than, Lou. No one else is here to stop you.” Harry lays his head on Louis’ chest and closes his eyes. Harry listens to the beat of Louis’ heart as he tells his story. 

Louis opens his mouth and says,”Before the project, before we started talking, before all of this started happening, I never laid eyes on you. I have never seen you. I only saw tiny glimpses. I was too nervous to see the actual results. But when I heard you talking, when I heard you laugh, I thought,’wow. This lad has a very beautiful voice. He must be beautiful on the outside too.’ And boy, was I right. You came to my flat and I actually had the chance to see you. You are so beautiful and I got to know you and you are much more beautiful in the inside. You are so beautiful. And I think I fell in love with your voice before I fell in love with everything else about you.” 

“Wow. And I thought I was just lucky that you were interested in me.” Harry says, and Louis laughs but he quickly stops, his face twisted in a pained way. “Sorry.” Harry says, knowing that even laughing can hurt. Everything hurt.

“It’s ok.” He mumbles. They lay like that when Harry sighs.

“I want you to know something too.” Harry finds Louis’ hand and they lace their fingers together. Harry rubs the metal band around Louis’ ring finger.”I’ve always admired you from far away. I always saw you from behind and I never got to see your face. I never talked to you. I tried many times talking to you throughout the school days but I just couldn’t find the courage. Than Ms.Whitmore decides to partner us up and I thought,’wow. The odds are in my favor.’ And than I show up at your door and I see someone so magnificently out of this world, I thought I might’ve dreamt about you the whole time. And than I saw your face and than I realized that you’re real. You’re real and I couldn’t believe, I still can’t believe, that I have had the privilege to meet someone like you. I can’t believe I have the privilege of falling I love with someone like you.” 

Louis squeezes Harry’s hand even though Harry knew it had to hurt. “We’re both pretty lucky,aren’t we?”

Harry looks at the tubes going in and out of Louis’ body, his sunglasses hiding his forever damaged eyes. But than Harry looks back and remembers all the wonderful adventures they’ve made together. Harry remembers the many feelings Louis has given him and Harry says,”Yeah. We’re pretty lucky.”

 

***

Harry wakes up to Louis' voice.

"Harry. Harold." Louis whispers.

Harry lifts his head up, meeting Louis' eyes. Harry automatically reaches for Louis' hand, sadly shocked at how frail and thin his hand is. Looking at Louis, he is still the most beautiful person Harry has ever seen. "Yes, love?"

Louis gives Harry a slight squeeze. "I'm tired of sleeping alone."

Harry nods, biting his lip. "Me, too. I miss having you kick away the blankets."

"I'll miss hearing all of your confusing sleep-talking."

Harry cups Louis' cheek in his hand and Louis closes his eyes and smiles.

Breaking the silence, Louis says,"Don't let me go." 

 

***

 

Louis’ funeral played out a few days later and Harry can’t seem to breathe. Being away from Louis was a little bit more bearable. Being away from Louis meant that they were separated, but at least Harry knew he was going to see him again. 

This is different. This is different than being away from Louis. This is a life and death situation that Harry knows he won’t win. Something he won’t ever win. Louis is dead and Harry can’t see him again. He can only see Louis through the broken fragments of his memory and through videos and pictures.

They aren’t enough. Harry needs to feel Louis’ heat. Harry needs to feel Louis’ skin on his skin. Harry needs to hear Louis call him,’curly’ and ‘Hazza’ and ‘twat’. Harry needs to hear Louis’ voice call out his name. 

Staring at the coffin being lowered into the ground was a big fuck-you from the world. “You finally had the nerve to talk to him. You finally got to know him better. And now we’re taking the one person you love away.” 

He won’t be okay. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

Harry snaps out of it when Lottie lays a hand on his shoulder. He looks up and she gives him a small smile. He forces a tiny smile back. 

Harry looks around him and sees Zayn for him a reassuring smile. Niall gives Harry two thumbs up and Liam raises an eyebrow but smiles quickly after. Harry feels a brush against his back and sees Gemma in a black dress. She gives him a kiss on the cheek. 

Gemma gives him an encouraging smile. “You’ll make it through, little brother.” 

Harry feels a warm hand clasped around his twitchy fingers. Harry looks up to see his mum. She smiles and Harry smiles back. 

Harry is the last to throw his handful of dirt on top of the coffin. Harry first looks around him and sees Gemma and his mum, he sees his best friends, and Harry sees the Tomlinson family, huddled together. Yes, Harry isn’t ok, but that doesn’t mean it’ll last forever. He has so many people that loves him and they will help him get through. Harry sadly smiles down at the black coffin.

“I’ll love you forever.” Harry gives the dirt a quick brush of his lips and let it slip out of his fingers.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I have tissues and hugs for a trade of comments and love!! I'm very thankful that you guys read this and I can't thank you enough just thank you thank you thank you <333


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